Hip Hop -- Oh Dear

Commercial Hip Hop is shit. This is a universal rule. It applies to Russian Hip Hop as well! I know, I was shocked to discover this too. However, its appeal to Russia seems so obvious now that I think about it. Every hip hop stereotype can probably, with a few alterations, be applied to Russian stereotypes. love of Champagne. Check. Expensive and Ugly Designer Brands. Check. Stupid Cars, Unnecessary displays of masculinity, guns....
Anyway, here is some bad Russian Hip Hop, that is only "Russian" in that some of the lyrics are in Russian. The rest is shot by shot bad American Hip Hop. Actually, I bet half these people are just failed American pop stars who went to Russia to further their careers. I bet they also live like kings in their big Oligarch palaces with tons of expensive champagne and have terrible pool parties.

This first video is just awful, in every way. There is nothing in it. It is just here to illustrate a point.



Actually this band is often credited as the first Russian Hip Hop Group. Like most translated things, some of the subtlety is lost in translation. Malchishnik cannot be accused of not being true to their influences, and embracing traditional Hip Hop Mysogyny. It is the lack of subtlety that I find so endearing, and awful. But hey it was 1994, not much better was happening in the states

Spot the English one... its pretty easy, but thats not the point

Ok, call me cynical, but his is shameful. One of the videos posted below, only one point for guessing which, is actually an uber cool underground English electro hit, with a degree of street-cred. But, listening to it the other day, after piking it of hype machine, it struck me that there is nothing different between it an the majority of cheesy female fronted Russian pop. (Except perhaps the grasp of English) But really, I'm not sure who is imitating who any more. This is a vaguely upsetting position to be in. Not because she sounds Russian, but because we scorn the Russian rubbish and embrace her. I don't get it.
Just to labour the point. Turning on your standard generic Russian video, with the volume of and playing the English track underneath. It works. Actually, this principle extends to almost all of the videos blogged here!







By the way, one of the groups posted here is called Tutsi. I don't know if they realized just how bad that actually sounds. Oh well.

2 Needless Running Videos

How do you make a trance or house music video on a budget? It appears that the best way is just to make a woman run, with varying degrees of urgency.

1. Niki Belucci 1234
All the comments on youtube really do sum this one up: she is really hot, but the music sucks. The entire video is just cuts between her jogging and then DJing. A quick look at her wikipedia page reveals an interesting history. Previous jobs include a six month stint as a porn-star where she made a modest 29 films. She was also a very good gymnast, apparently. There is only one part of this video that is worth watching, and that is the intro. Someone got a helicopter and a man who couldn't speak English to do the intro. Awesome!



2. Слава - дорога бедая
This is the best of the running videos. Unlike Niki, our lady here has been put in a rather uncomfortable looking red leather track suit. One concession the director had to make was that running must have been very difficult. To help out, she has just been put on the back of a truck and filmed, waving her arms. There clearly is some kind of plot here, at least it seems as though there could be. But I'm still struggling to find it.

Алла Пугачева - Балалайка

Alla Pugacheva is one of Russian pop's most important contributors of all time. Her greatest accolade was being nominated the People's Artist of the USSR. With a career stretching back from today till when Stalin was still mass murdering, this lady is a gold mine of bizarre and terrifying Soviet style music videos. Look at the way "fun" seems to behave been sacrificed for a utilitarian explanation of the noise the instruments make. As far as I can tell, she explain to us how to string a balalaika and clean a zylyphone. But I'm not sure. I would have loved to be in the Soviet MTV headquarters. It seems you could have produced anything, as long as it was utter crap. Now, Alla is now the producer of the fantastically Russian sounding "Star Factory", a program exactly the same as the X Factor, except they put the failed contestants into a labour camp in Siberia that manufactures bootleg DVDs.

4 Best/Worst Swimming Pools

The Hip Hop Star with his big pool overlooking Miami Beach. covered with his "honeys" and littered with empty bottles of Crystal is not unexpected music video fodder. A similar atmosphere is achieved in outdoor hotel bars, yachts, beaches or whatever. Regardless, the swimming pool filled with Bikini clad women somehow seems to be the ultimate demonstration of opulence and wealth. Chuck in a dj and some cocktails and then you have great party. However, for countries that are snowed in for 9 months of the year, the swimming pool mostly likely becomes the symbol of an opulent and luxurious life. Not only, do you have booze, bitches, money and free time... you also have heat! I'm jealous.
So, in their attempts to emulate the wealth and glamour of their, largely, American counterparts, the pop stars of Eastern Europe also film their videos with swimming pools. Here we have compiled a selection of swimming treats.

1. Динамит - Красивые слова
This what one might expect from a Russian pool scene. They are making a great party: djs, bikinis, drinks... a crocodile? there is also a sub-plot about a leaky tap, which I really don't understand. But hey! Good effort. Wardrobe on this is the only real sticking point. One bikini in particular.... ew!



2. Niki - Äike Päike
This one is Estonian, and lacks the excess of their Russian neighbors. It looks like it is filmed a leisure centre. One could either view this as a reflection of reality, or a music video that does not live up to its escapist requirements.


3. Жанна Фриске Где-то летом
Just as in politics, the Russians feel a need to dominate the music industry. THey won't let anything slide. This song is exactly the same as the one above. But in Russian. Unfortunately it doesn't sound as good as Aike Piake, which is amazing.



4. Teledysk Dziewczonka
Uh.... Hurray for Poland! They have definitely made the best pool video posted here. It doesn't have a pool! After an initial unrelated clip of beach to set the tone, there are just a bunch of women sitting around on some grass, in semi-clad whilst two fat rappers gawp at them! Amazing. Who needs props when you have imagination!

Sokol feat. Pono & Franek Kimono - W aucie (Fred remix)

After limited searching, I can find nothing about these people, except that Sokol was a 19th century youth movemnt in the Czech Republic. However, after watching this video, again and again and again, I've decided that this is how every club should be. In fact, I think these men are slavic Gods come to show us a way of life, that we can only dream of.
If you know anything about these men, please let us know. What are they saying?

A Europa - belie nebesa

This is filmed in a narrow hallway with tinfoil on the walls, for that futuristic look. The only reason it is on hear is because it features Latvia's best synth player, Marek Korg. (That might not be his name, but it should be.) Just look at the way he dances... he means it! In secret, we still haven't managed to finish watching this one. It is so bad.